3. I Crapped My Pants

Alden Olmsted
4 min readJan 19, 2021


So what I bet you have too

Ok probably not at like 27 years old but whatever. Also probably not on the way to do yard work for an older lady from church that gave kids yard work sometimes over the summer and sure I was too old for yard work but I was in between jobs so whatever I said yes.

That was the setup for the day I crapped my pants.

* * *

I don’t know what I’d eaten the night before because without giving tmi

I actually have a pretty regular situation in that area.

I drink out of streams when we’re hiking and I don’t put iodine pills in first. Actually I sometimes buy iodine pills but I forget they’re in my pack until I get home and dump everything out. So I don’t use them. I also don’t like those water filters from REI they’re cumbersome and kind of annoying so I just drink out of streams. Anyway nothing has ever happened like giardia so I don’t know what I ate I just know that it wasn’t sitting right and then I was a little bit late getting going and I lived 30 minutes from the yard work lady so I was on Adobe road when I had I guess a Dumb and Dumber moment where I felt a loosening of the bowels while driving. I love Mexican food so ok it could have been that but like I said I didn’t know I just knew there was something rumbling going on and it felt like it was urgent.

I was maybe 15 minutes away which I thought was no big deal until I got to the stop sign at Corona and Adobe at which point things were speeding up. The dead end side of Corona road isn’t travelled as much and I glanced over and saw a perfect part of the less traveled side where I thought maybe I could have a moment and so I turned quickly and pulled over on a bit of a slope, slid the column shifter on my 1968 Plymouth Fury up into park and turned the 318 V8 engine off.

Thank God in heaven for that bench seat.

I kicked my shoes off then unzipped my work jeans and pulled them down quickly and then off. So now I’m in my underwear on the side of the road at 7:52 am on the way to do yard work for Mrs. Pelfini. I soon realized more had happened in my underwear than I’d thought previously and so they were going to have to go away. Again thank God for that bench front seat so what I did was with my right foot I moved the door handle over it was one of those lever type ones that are easy to kick open and because of gravity being down on that side the huge door swung wide and was now a ready deposit site.

I was going to have to be flexible because I really loved that interior

and so I was determined to not get anything of whatever was in my underwear on those seats. Did I mention the seats were like this awesome green plush velour that looked different in one direction if you flattened your hand and swished over it? Well it was.

Anyway so I leaned on one butt cheek and began to pull the underwear off and realized that now I REALLY didn’t know what I’d eaten because it was like coffee cake with those crumbles on top but it was green. Did I mention the interior of that Plymouth was a beautiful deep green? So then I somehow got both legs out of the nasty underwear and was now balancing on one cheek and was almost home free when I tossed the underwear towards the downside of the car and you remember the lever handle that opens the door?

it’s kind of shaped like a hook and so yeah the underwear perfectly caught on the door lever like I was playing a game at the county fair and had just won the grand prize. Except the only prize I got was the underwear with the strange green coffee cake in it was now swinging back and forth on the lever shaped door handle and I could only assume getting on the door panel. Which was also this really cool deep green that I loved. So then I shouted and leaned over and threw the underwear into the ditch and looked up.

<cow image here>

If you’ve ever sung to cattle or spoken to a herd of them you know they gravitate towards sounds and situations and you know the stare. There were about 20 head of cattle just ten feet away posted up against the fence like they were watching a fight but really they were staring at a naked 6’4” skinny guy with his dirty underwear in the ditch late for yardwork. I reached back and honked my horn and they started and snorted and backed up.

I put my pants back on and drove to the Pelfini’s house on the one cheek and said “sorry I’m late” and went straight to the back forty and sat next to a big Oak tree on the ground and scooted down the hill on my bottom like a dog with worms does on the driveway so at least between the dirt and the coffee cake poop you couldn’t really tell the difference and so then I worked a full day and she made some pretty good lemonade.

When I got home I threw out those jeans just like I’d thrown out the underwear. And then I bought some Rug cleaner foaming spray and went to town on that green interior.

It really was a beautiful green.



Alden Olmsted

I was born in a small town in Northern California just another latch-key kid obsessed with BMX and Tom Petty. Now I make films and travel and write when I can.