So what I bet you have too

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Ok probably not at like 27 years old but whatever. Also probably not on the way to do yard work for an older lady from church that gave kids yard work sometimes over the summer and sure I was too old for yard work but I was in between jobs so whatever I said yes.

That was the setup for the day I crapped my pants.

* * *

I don’t know what I’d eaten the night before because without giving tmi

I actually have a pretty regular situation in that area.

I drink out of streams when we’re hiking and I don’t put iodine pills in first. Actually I sometimes buy iodine pills but I forget they’re in my pack until I get home and dump everything out. So I don’t use them. I also don’t like those water filters from REI they’re cumbersome and kind of annoying so I just drink out of streams. Anyway nothing has ever happened like giardia so I don’t know what I ate I just know that it wasn’t sitting right and then I was a little bit late getting going and I lived 30 minutes from the yard work lady so I was on Adobe road when I had I guess a Dumb and Dumber moment where I felt a loosening of the bowels while driving. I love Mexican food so ok it could have been that but like I said I didn’t know I just knew there was something rumbling going on and it felt like it was urgent. …

My only regret is I didn’t film the reactions

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If you read my first story involving my old Chrysler you’ll see how now I call it ‘my’ car. I’m growing wiser by the day. This one wasn’t all my fault though and is shorter so you’ll like that and involves Swingers instead of a concert.

See we were going to see Swingers (1996) on a dark and stormy night in late October in Northern California. Ok it wasn’t stormy but it was wet and boy was it dark. We were leaving from my friends’ house yes in the same car that had the hood fly up and shatter the windshield (story no. 1) and his parents had a long gravel driveway called Appleseed which I thought it’d be fun to peel out in reverse on so I did. You remember the humongous 1965 Chrysler that weighs two tons right? …

a stream of consciousness cautionary tale

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This was not the best time of my life. The car I had was cool but I was spinning out of control. This is what happened one day on the way to see Texas roots rocker Chris Whitley in Berkeley.

A hood flew up and shattered my windshield. Fine I’ll own it, ‘my hood’ flew up and shattered ‘my’ windshield. It flew up because the latch got undone when I bumped into a BMW sedan. I bumped into a BMW sedan because it was one of those right turns from a side street onto a highway so we were both looking to the left before turning right. He saw his opening and took it and then I looked to the left and saw my opening and gunned it and then turned to find he hadn’t taken his opening at all he was really just about ten feet from where he was the last time I’d looked. I slammed on my brakes which slowed me but didn’t grab. They didn’t grab because did I mention my car was a humongous 1965 Chrysler 300 that weighed two tons? Well it was. They also didn’t grab because the last time I’d done the brakes the pads had worn down so far they put two grooves each into the drums mostly because I didn’t do them when I should have done them. …


Alden Olmsted

I was born in a small town to John and Priscilla. Not a pilgrim exactly just another latch-key kid obsessed with BMX and Tom Petty. Now I make films.

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